Keeping My Breath

This isn’t exactly an update about recent adventures, but I felt like I needed to post tonight…

There is a thought that is plaguing my head; I need to get it out…

I want to write and say that I am utterly and completely happy here, but I must confess, I am not. This is a phase, I know. People tell me I will look back on this experience with a fond smile and gratefulness for having this opportunity, but at the moment all I can think of is how comforting home is. It’s hard not to think of home, friends, family and not get sad. I am having a tough time of it; never had I imagined how overwhelming a feeling homesickness was until I myself was feeling it. It isn’t just a matter of missing what makes us most comfortable, it is a physical hurt. It is a hurt that literally leaves me without breath. I feel like I am punched in the stomach when I think of home. When I think of what home is compared to what Ireland is, I think of comfort and love, where as Ireland is a vacation stretched for too long a time.

I have optimistic thoughts though, and I know that it will be okay; I am breathing still, I am alive.

I do love Ireland. Everything is beautiful, the culture is vibrant, the cities full of life; it is just as I imagined. But everyday has become a teeter between wanting to call Cork home and not being able to call (literally) home on the phone simply to say hello. It’s tough. It has become a battle; a battle that I will win. What is winning? Winning means that I am going to make it through a year without the comfort of home. Winning means making friendships here that will become as special as the ones I have at home. And winning, ultimately, means that when I leave Ireland next summer, I will view my relationships at home with a new found appreciation and love. Winning means I am learning to breathe.

Right now dealing with homesickness and beginning the fight that I will win means that I am taking each day as it comes. I am enjoying what is around me and I am not letting myself worry about the little things I have no control over; I am breathing.

PS. Mumford and Sons “Little Lion Man” is stuck in my head. Listen to it, it’s good.

I leave you with some pictures…











"Breath, You are Alive." (taken from a spray painted picture found all over Berkeley)